A step ahead....

Remember the movie 'Catch Me If You Can' where  Frank Abagnale Jr. played by Leonardo DiCaprio was conning people of millions of dollars and was always a step ahead of the FBI?

My life is a bit like that, always a step or two ahead of me, going her own merry way, craving her own destiny. Sometimes she seems fit to fall in with my plans and dreams and at other times, she goes her own way without a thought or consideration to my plans or convenience. The idea that I am in control of my life is but a mere illusion and the very idea of being powerless completely freaks me out. My ego demands me to think that I am the sole pilot of my life. But at the risk of hurting my ego and diminishing my vanity, more and more I feel like there is a power, much greater than me who is running my life.

I will go the traditional way and call this power God. Assuming that God is running my life is a double edged sword, on one hand it absolves me of all responsibility, but on the other it renders me completely powerless.

I am wandering. Today my intention was not to talk about God but my life.  Taking a step away from myself, being an observer, I have realised that my life has her curious meandering path which she follows and I just fall in step with her. At times I am happy to oblige and at times, I get angry, I rebel, I protest and try to cling on. But very rarely did things go my way, follow my plans or my dreams. I am not saying that my dreams have never come true. On the contrary in most cases they have, but never at the time I wanted them to or the way I imagined. There had always been slight or significant changes, almost like someone mockingly saying that She can plan and run my life better than me.

I feel like I am a car set in a race track, I have been given certain advantages and some other disadvantages which brings of the illusion of being powerful. But someone has the remote control which has the power to keep me on the course or throw me off. Each car in the race is similarly controlled and we each follow our own course, we know the beginning and the end, we know the pitfalls and the soaring peaks. But we do not know when we are going to hit the pitfalls or reach a soaring peak. We are all driving like crazy, each of  trying to reach the maximum number of peaks and avoid all the pitfalls. But here we are rendered powerless, someone makes us fall into those deadly pitfalls and equally someone makes us reach those peaks. The idea is to keep faith in that someone that She would guide us through the pitfalls and has the peaks ready for us to climb and keep going. After all since we have been made the drivers of our cars means that we are special.

Rath...

After two weeks of continuous sunshine and summer heat, it rained  today, bringing the temperature down considerably. The day dawned cloudy, with big dark grey clouds crowding the sky, reminding me of monsoon back home.  It started pouring buckets, the parched soil of Oxford soaked up the water gratefully and the trees are back in their green glory. They no longer look tired and yellow, wilting  under the relentless heat of the sun.

A message in my inbox informed me that it is Ratha Jatra today. Ratha Jatra is the Hindu celebration when the three deity siblings Jaganath, Balaram and Subhadra get up on a magnificent chariot and go off for their annual visit to their aunt's house. The celebration originated in the Jaganath temple of Puri but spread in the rest of India as well. If you want to know more, you could check this out.

To come back to the weather, one of the folklores that I grew up with is that it always rains on the day of rath. I remember as a kid cuddling upto my mother as she read me poems from Rabindranath Tagore's Sishu. There were many a poem on rath and the rain associated with rath.

Today  in this far away land, watching the rains those far away memories floated back.

I remember childhood days when we never had any school holidays for rath. So throughout the day in school there was heavy anticipation. We would all be busy planning how to decorate the rath we would be pulling in the evening. Yes each child in Kolkata during my childhood days were given a  small chariot to decorate and pull. And if we were really lucky we would even get to buy a brand new one, specially if the old one had disintegrated. I remember more than the pujo it was the chariot pulling which generated all the excitement.

These chariots were made of plywood, loosely nailed together and brightly coloured. They disintegrated really easily too. They came in various sizes, with first, second and third and sometimes fourth levels. So there used to be an inherent competition about the length of our chariots. The most magnificent ones were the three storied ones.

So after school we would decorate the chariots with colourful papers, glitters, flowers and leaves, put in  Jaganath, Balaram and Subhadra idols, a small plate with a sweet (prasad), an incense stand with a couple of incense sticks burning (much to the horror of elders and the incessant warnings) and after a round of the house [sometimes a pround grandma would put in an one rupee coin as dakhina (offering to the God)].  I remember my father coming home early to help me with my rath. As a youngster memories of me jumping up and down with joy and not being much help in decorating the rath is still there.  After a round of the house, it was time to make a round of the neighbourhood lane and the serious business of showing off the rath to the neighbourhood children and inspecting theirs. In my case it was our compound.  Kids from other houses would also come out with their chariots and after a couple of rounds of dragging the chariots with strings (which because of its lightweight would keep tripping/falling, or the idols would fall face down or the incense stand would stumble) we would offer the prasad to each other and then return home in glory. Next day in school we would all be agog with stories of how magnificent our raths were.

The rath with all the decorations would stay for 7 days, because that is the number of days these Gods would spend in their aunt's house. Then on the 8th day it was the ulto rath (return journey). Ulto rath was not that exciting, so we would do one quick round and then dismantle the rath and keep it safe for next year.

Apart from this, another attraction of rath was the food. Papar bhaja (poppadam) and suji ir halua (suji ka halwa) were must for rath. Also in Rashbehari there used to be a rath er mela (fair in celebration of rath). Among other things I remember the huge papor bhajas (they used to have huge speciality popadams) and also the nurseries. Since July is serious monsoon time in India with a lot of planting happening, these fairs would have huge nurseries selling all kinds of plants. How green and vibrant those plants looked to my young eyes.

I do not remember when I stopped getting excited about rath. Somewhere around teenage I guess.  But the younger memories are vibrant enough to last forever.

Down and out with a cold...

Remember those scenes in Hollywood movies where heroines have flu or bad bouts of cold and heroes  bring them soup and daisies? 'You've Got Mail' is a classic example. Meg Ryan looked super cute with disheveled hair and pink nose, being cheered by Tom Hanks.

Sadly in real life getting a cold is nothing romantic nor do heroes come to hold fort with daisies.

To give a little background to this sudden interest in  cold and flu-- in this sunless island I have managed to get a sun stroke. Was out on one of the rare sunny days, soaking the sun in, and lo and behold got a sun stroke just like I used to get in Delhi. Getting a sun stroke in Delhi makes sense, but here it is like being a feminist in Mars. Most people give me incredulous looks or think that I do not know the right words and phrases being non native speaker and all.
At the risk of sounding obstinate, I insist that it is sun stroke cos I have suffered from it many times in India. I even know the whole routine by heart now. It starts with a buzzing in the head and stingy, watery eyes closely followed by headache, bad cold, running nose, fever and body ache. Stays for 5 to 7 days and vanishes to strike some other unsuspecting victim, leaving me with a peeling nose and looking more puffy and anemic than ever. Best medicine is rest, sleep, hours of it, lots of fluid and hot passionate sex [ just kidding:)].

So right in the middle of a week which promised to be super hectic canceling work and commitments left, right and centre. Am sitting surrounded with tissues, inhalers, balms and only allowed to drink hot drinks (decreed by husband). Feeling mighty sorry for self, husband also sympathetic but too busy to play nurse. Husband wanting me to visit doctor, resisting mightily, do not want to be poked and prodded at.

Husband has essays to submit one after another, wife out of action by cold, hence one take out after another and dirty dishes piling up. The worst bit is that it gets really boring after a while.  Do not have the energy to go out, yet too restless to sit at home. Bemoaning lack of  entertainment and guilty about being out of circulation.

Sitting at home, brooding about everything and nothing, feeling emotional and prickly. Horror of horrors realizing how unkempt my surroundings are. Spying all the hidden dirt, unhoovered carpet, things away from their usual places and mounds of dirty laundry. Cringe to myself, was I not a clean freak? When did this happen to me and my house?  New resolve in life-- revert back to being a clean freak as soon as health permits. Husband beware, serious cleaning time ahead!

No getting a cold is definitely not a good thing to happen, in spite of how glamours they make it seem in movies.

P.S. Photo courtesey google images.

Never cease?

Years ago it was the late night flights piercing the dark Calcutta sky. Sleepless I used to stand in my window and gaze at them with longing. From my window I got a clear view of the sky above. Sometimes it would be inky blue sky dotted with thousands of twinkling stars, sometimes a full moon would envelope the whole sleeping world into its silvery rays, sometimes in the darkness of a moonless night a black bird would silently fly by, sometimes it would rain so much that I could hardly open my window, except a crack.  Most nights the planes would go by. They would come into my view as tiny dots of light, grow steadily to reveal a silver machine carrying hundreds of people to a far away destination. I would feel terribly jealous of all those sitting in those planes, flying far, far away. Away from all the heartbreak, tears, the known and the mundane. I would foolishly think that traveling physical distance would absolve my pain and rid me of memories.
Now I smile at my  foolishness. How naive I was!
Thousands of miles later, I know that distance does not erase pain, time does. I know there is no easy way out, a broken heart does not mend itself quickly, nor are there any good medicines guaranteeing hundred percent cure. I know new pain takes over older ones. From life's experiences a new person emerges, fleshed with a bit of past embedded in the present.  But inspite of it all life goes on at her own sweet pace.
This time there are no planes in my slice of the night sky. There are  trains whooshing by, rushing off into the darkness. The carriages of the trains look to be in a great hurry, pushing and clanging, making a mighty din. They seem so sure of their destination, they look eager to reach that place and dump the load they have to carry. In the dark of the night, they look like naughty, noisy children rushing off to play. Once they pass by, the silver tracks look empty and bereft. A deep silence replaces the clanging sound. The night regains its poise and lulls us back to sleep. I look longingly at those rushing carriages  wishing I could be in one of them, crouched among the cars, or other goods they carry, or sitting on top of one of them, my face raised towards the sky, the wind kissing my face. I would not mind the discomfort or the cold as long as it took me to far distant lands, to the unknown, to some adventure, away from the mundane.
Will my longing for the unknown never cease?

Love & Peace

Just read something which the writer has signed off with the usual 'love & peace'. I know it is fairly common but today it makes me pause and wonder.

It is just silly me pondering but do we really have both love and peace in our lives? Can we have both love and peace at the same time? How inter dependent are love and peace in our lives? Do we have to be in love to feel peaceful or do we have to be peaceful to be in love? Or are they completely seperate emotions achievable on their own? Are they actually emotions? I would say love is an emotion or rather a state of emotion and peace defnitely is a state of mind. So when we are in love and be peaceful does that mean we are emotionally and mentally secure, happy and without any emotional stress?

Love & peace...weighty phrase....I wish I could say for definite both of these are in my life and here to stay forever.....

Isabel Allende tells tales of passion | Video on TED.com

Post mid night ponderings. I have been listening to Isabel Allende on TED.com. You can find it here.  She is a very powerful and inspiring speaker. Listening to her makes you want to do something for all those women who are deprived and vulnerable. For someone like me who is already doing that work, it just makes me want to double my effort and not to give up, ever.

But while listening to her, what I was thinking is that do women like me, the educated and not in any kind of great risk, can we actually understand what our deprived sisters want? Can we really know what is it that makes a woman accept domestic violence? I may try through my experience and grooming to understand her problems, to rationalise, to find solutions or just to listen, but can I really really understand? Maybe you would argue that I do not need to understand her problems exactly, afterall in develoment we always talk about keeping the distance with our clients. I know all that, but tonight somehow this idea that I may not understand what goes on in the emotional and thinking process of the women we are trying to help, bothers me greatly.

Controlling your life!

You know while writing Sushi, I suddenly realized that for each of us there are one or two aspects in our lives which are out of control. While making up stories about Sushi and her shopaholic urges, I most often giggle. I can afford to giggle because I have never been one of those mad shoppers and it is one area of my life which is strictly under control. But there are some areas which are not and which I cannot afford to laugh about.

There are phases, periods when being in control is more difficult like for example immediately after loosing a loved one or a job, a nasty break-up, recuperating from a sickness, really stressed out etc etc etc. But then on the whole, in our lives there are almost always some problem areas which remain steady. In these spheres however hard we try we just cannot be in control.

Who knows what triggers these patterns in our lives? It is very difficult to pinpoint why we started over indulging and how it became a habit hard to break. Maybe some experience or some incident or maybe we turned to shopping, eating etc etc for comfort or to hide a shame or feel less lonely or less bored and before long these become our vice! I know some people take the help of therapy to overcome these, which is not a bad idea, provided you have the money.

Let me try and jot down some of the problem areas. These are just my personal ideas and in no way am I am an expert in the field. Enjoy and maybe you could also detect some patterns in your lives.

• Emotional needs: We, women of 21st century India are really proud of ourselves. And so we should be, we are ground breakers-- we are doing things which our mothers never imagined and doing them well too. But with so much venturing into uncharted territories, we often time get confused about our emotional needs. Mostly we tend to think that we are all powerful, non vulnerable, do not need any support. Fighting for independence or to create a name for ourselves, we often build up these images of ourselves for the world-- that we are strong, independent, feisty, take no nonsense and many more. While all this is true, it is equally true that we are human beings and like the rest of our species we need love, care and attention. We are often lonely and love crying our hearts out, but feel afraid to acknowledge this in public, lest that makes us less look strong. Because of our image we attract men who seem to think that we can take care of ourselves, they need not be involved in any way. And we let these men think in this way, it satisfies our egos, but it does leave us sad, lonely and aching for love many a times. As a result these relationships mostly do not survive and then we move onto someone else who again has no clue what we want. How secure are you in acknowledging your emotional needs? I know I wasn't till very recently and used to fall for all the wrong men. Somewhere along the line this becomes the norm and however much we rationalize, we tend to go for the wrong men or give the right men the wrong signals.  I think sometimes we even delude ourselves in thinking that we are strong  enough, when in truth we are actually not. Over the years I have seen many of my girl friends struggling with this.This is one area we need to watch out for girls.
• Finance: With us all being financially independent, we get to do a whole lot of stuff-- shopping, indulgences, hobbies, holidays, gifts etc etc. We often disregard our parents when they urge us to save. I am including the men also in this, both my husband and brother being glaring examples of non savers. The logic is 'oh well we earn, so we can spend and money is not a priority in our lives, experiences or what money can buy are". I completely agree but even then I think that we can very easily save/put aside 10% of our salaries for emergency/rainy days/future. You never know what ugly surprise life has in store for you in which corner. I can manage my finances well and can save a part of my salary easily. Being the post office saver kind, I agree my saving would never translate into millions but they would be there when I need them. I can never understand when people complain that they do not know where their salary vanishes.  I am someone who plans for every money that I spend. But then I know many people who are really scattered when it comes to expenditure. To someone like me all it takes is a little control, but obviously to those who cannot do it, it is much more graver. I think this is one area, where our control often slips, for some perpetually, for some occasionally.
• Eating: Ah here comes my vice. I love eating. But I do not like exercising to burn all those calories, also my hobbies are sedentary like reading, writing etc, to top it I was born in a family where hereditarily our structures are fat and short. So all these factors make me one of the fatties of this world. I know it is not good for health, neither is it in fashion. I know I should stop eating, I have identified that I eat many times cos I am feeling lonely or bored and most of these times I am not hungry. I tend to go for deep fried, quoted in sugar, crawling in calories types of food. I know I should eat salads, fruits, veggies more and more. I know, I know, I know. I try and I try and then I fail, so after sometime I try again. During all this I gain some more weight. I know all it needs is a little discipline, a little restraint. Just the kind which I apply on my spending but this is one area where my control is fragile at best and lacking most of the times. It took me a while to work this out, also this realization illuminated why no diet, or exercise regime ever works. Many of my friends suffer from this same problem, while some are extremely conscious about their eating habits and can amazingly restrain themselves. I have come a long way in that while before when I used to see a chocolate goodie all I thought about was the amazing taste when it hit my mouth, now I do spare some thoughts as to what it would do to my body. I have started playing an interesting game to myself-- every time I eat something really high in calories, I try and think which part of my body will this fat settle/ snuggle in. Believe me it automatically slows the pace of eating and also many times stops me from going for the second helping! All said and done, I do have a long way to go.
  
• Shopping: This is related to spending I guess, but not totally. Shopping can wreck havoc in many people's lives. I remember the first time I read a shopaholic book. I was amazed thinking how people can shop this much. Soon I realized that there was a pattern to shopping and people who actually shop like mad least needs all that they shop. In fact I have a friend, who before when she used to feel depressed used to eat, then she controlled her eating binges and now instead goes shopping. Her philosophy is that shopping can hurt her wallet but it helps her to lift her mood. Given a choice between eating and shopping, she has chosen shopping. Again I am one of those who knows the upper permissible limit very well, sometimes I do go over it a wee bit, especially if I am in a silver shop or craft's shop. But most times my control is superb. I just do not sway. In fact in these days of tight budgeting, often I stop my husband from buying silly, not necessary stuff. I can see that it frustrates him sometimes. But I just do not see any point of spending money at a whim when that money could be spent for essentials. I know it is not the same story for everyone. Many people I know struggle to control their shopping urges and often fail.
• Drinking/smoking: These are the known vices and most of us indulge once in a while, some of us indulge often and other everyday. In case of smoking it can be even an hourly thing. I used to smoke quiet regularly at one point, now for the last 3/4 months I have completely stopped. I was reading a book where there was a character of a beautiful aspiring model who worked out for three hours in the gym every day, almost ate nothing. I was about to get impressed when her character revealed to be addicted to smoking. Ah I thought here comes her vice. Even though she had complete control over her eating, she could not control her smoking. I wonder if cigarettes had calories, would this girl ever smoke them?

This triggers another thought. So do we need to over indulge in something or the other to be happy in our lives? We all know that the things we indulge in are often bad for our health, harm us in some way or the other. Yet we cannot stop. I do not remember our parents or our grandparents' needing external stimuli to feel happy or fulfilled? Is this the result of the new life style brought about by globalization? The more busy and stressed we are, the more we need those chocolates or the coke or that cigarette or drinks on Friday to forget the stress of the week. In fact life without these de-stressers have become kind of unimaginable!

Which guys to avoid in search for the 'eternal soulmate'...

Disclaimer: This post is written in fun without any intention to hurt or harm or offense to anyone. Please do not take it seriously or personally.

Dedicated to: All the women in my life and the men too.

Scared: I am a little scared of men and their women and their reactions to this post. O men and beloved women please do not attack me with swords or sticks....I am kinda harmless!

Few days back was talking to a friend about how to choose a guy to settle down with. Both of us, in my friend's language 'have hit the jackpot'...but there are other single ladies out there who are close to us and whom we want to see happily settled with the right guy. Now had this been 2007, I would have said there are no right guys, men are rotten bastards on the whole...so no hope for us single women etc etc etc. But out of no where my Mr. Right did pop up, so I have shed off my cynicism, taken up optimism and hoping that the right guys would pop up for the rest of my gal friends.

Every girl knows the sort of guy she wants-- smart, kind, honest, loyal, responsible, presentable (TDH-- reference for men T for tall, D for dark and H for handsome), settled, well educated, with a good sense of humour etc etc etc. I am not going into that. Instead I am writing about the kind of men to avoid in your search. This little list is made from the purest of pure grains of golden experience of a gaggle of my friends and yours truly. Have a good laugh. HNY.

Top 5 types of men to avoid while in search for the 'eternal one'...

1. The fence sitters: Oh these are all around us. It is not that there guys are unkind or uncool or unsmiling...it is just that they are indecisive. They can be in a relationship for 2/3/4/5 years, they can be lovely dovey, dutiful, mushy, tender, understanding...but they will not settle down. If the girl is hoping after 3/4 years of a steady relationship for a romantic proposal, a ring and the question....she will be left hoping. It never comes, finally the girl frustrated beyond measure, pops the question herself, deluding herself into thinking that maybe he is too shy. So she is taken by real surprise when he says he is not too sure. Not sure...but the relationship is 3/4/5 years old...oh yes, and he loves her...but. This but is here to stay in the relationship, grows like a baby and settles between them and refuses to go away. I have seen girls in such relationships starting to question themselves and the whole wide world in their quest to know why their men are not settling down. The other million rupee question in their mind is how to make the man get down from the fence. Oh well short of an earthquake, you can use dynamite but you have to impeccably plan so that the man falls on your side of the fence. But ladies please do remember what happened to Humpty when he fell. Jokes apart, will not say that these men should all be shelved. Know of one guy who after ages of waiting, finally settled down with the girl and is in 'happily ever after', rest are all waiting for the 'but' to melt. The pace at which global warming is happening, maybe the 'but' would melt soon in a hundred years or so. But one thing is for sure,though these guys never marry you, but at the same time they never leave you! Bingo so we already have the eternal, waiting for the soulmate bit!
   
2. The indecisive ones: I know no 1&2 sound synonymous but there are vast technical differences. And that is, even though these indecisive ones float their profiles in bharatmatrimony and shadi.com, register themselves in dating agencies.. they do not know whether they want a relationship or not, whether they should trust a girl or not...the list goes on and on. At least the fence sitters get into a relationship, these indecisive ones are stuck at the initial contact stage.  God forbid if a girl shows interest in them. Trying to establish contact (please mark my choice of vocabulary) with them is like playing a game of snakes and ladder. For every step the girl takes, the boy would go back two steps. So you must be thinking why doesn't the intelligent girl just stop trying. I wonder the same thing as well. Then finally in my experience these kinds of guys stop communication with these girls on some flimsy excuse and the girl is left wallowing in hurt. A must stay away in my opinion. See an indecisive one and run a million miles. Good for the figure and the soul!
3. The MCP: Reference for men, MCP matlab male chauvinist pig. At the risk of sounding cliche, I have to include the MCP, cos otherwise this list would never be complete. This variety also we see all around us. Though their domination was high in previous generations, in our generations their numbers have lessened but not vanished. So beware girls. For the uninitiated, innocent girls, a MCP is any guy who thinks way too much about himself, infact self importance often makes him puffy. He has never heard of women's liberation, thinks feminists should be hunted down along with terrorists and put under lock and key. Thinks women should sit at home while he goes out to earn the bread. He expects to be served hand and foot and cooked dinner, would never lift his hand to help at home. Sometimes they even have fundamentalist ideas. Then life for the women in his family gets restricted under ghunghat or hijab. These men do not bat an eye in having sex with different women while finally marrying the girl from his caste choosen by his parents for a huge dowry. In his moral code, he can play the field while married, but heaven help if his wife, so much as looks at another man. Women usually fall for them because on the surface they seem suave and sophisticated and even chivalrous. Please girls do not make that mistake. This is serious warning.
   
4. The mamas boys: Oh well all men are more or less so, but some go over the top in being mama ka gullam. Indian mamas have full arsenal of tears, sentiments, stories of sacrifice pain, tyag, sufferings to control these sons. Once the sons get married, their momas never stop crying or falling sick or being dukkhi. So becahree beete jai bhi to kaha jai. On the whole if the son is not  a total whimp or the mother does not interfere into the couple's personal space or son's career or daughter-in-law's dressing......these men are safe bet. Special warning for the Bong women, any man who is called babu, bubu, bubun, bulbul, khokon, khoka, shona etc etc etc...please stay away. Their umbilical cords were not cut properly!
   
5. The career men: There are some men who are wed to their careers. Come what may they work. They are workaholics and in office if they are the boss then they are after the whole office to become workaholics too. In home they enjoy their women just like they enjoy fine whiskey or cigar-- occasionally and in moderation. Known wives who have spent their lives waiting for the workaholic husbands to take a break and take the wives for a vacation or spend some time with them. Nah almost never happens. Instead expensive gifts come two days after missing yet another anniversary or birthday to appease a sulking wife so that the home is well run again. These men also often neglect their children.
  

This list can go on and on--the flirt, the flighty, the pathological liars...but I do not want to dishearten all those single women out there.So ladies please go out and search sensibly for your Mr. Right and I am confident that he would pop up from somewhere or the other.

Travel...

We travel...
Distances, emotions, spaces,
Sometimes we talk,
Sometimes we walk,
Most times we cry,
Sometimes we sit,
Sometimes we run.

But travel we do...
Sometimes to forget,
Sometimes to discover,
Sometimes to heal,
Sometimes to contemplate,
And sometimes to save...


Travel has its fun,
Travel has its weariness,
Travel has its satisfaction,
Travel has its rewards,
Travel has its loss...

But travel we must,
Along life's roads...

Belated Blogger Action Day

I found out from Oxfam blog that yesterday they were celebrating Blogger Action Day to raise awareness against climate change. I was pretty excited and wanted to write something and be part of this initiative. But wanting to do something and actually doing it has a lot of muggy waters in between. I did the cursory google search and read some really blood curling articles. Climate change and global warming are no longer distant threats which we can pretend to ignore, they are here and very much happening.

For once I am at a loss for words and don't really know what to say. The issue is so complicated and there are so many complex layers and powerful players...I feel quiet ignorant to say anything at all. Except that as a citizen of this earth I am deeply worried and promise to use the resources much more carefully like water, electricity, petroleum etc. I wish our leaders also took this seriously and stopped just giving politically correct speeches and actually took some concrete steps to hinder climate change and global warming!

Feminism...

Most of the times when I have told a friend that I am a feminist, the response has been pretty interesting. Most men have reacted with a lot of cynicism and mirth. However sensitive and mature a man is, when it comes to feminists there is an odd weariness, which actually thinly covers loads of insecurity. But I must say that I do know some men who genuinely believe in equality of sexes and are pretty vocal about their ideas.

From women the response is more varied-- some are awed that someone can openly claim something like this, some claim that they are not strong enough to be a feminist, some even say that isms like feminisms are not for them, if you can get them liberties it is fine, they will enjoy it but they wont so much lift their fingers to do some work themselves. But most predominantly women are confused as to what exactly it entails to be a feminist. Like for example some girl had once asked me " if I am a feminist, I wont let my dad pay dowry for my marriage, but would I also not cook for my husband? How do I draw a line on how much of a feminist I want to be or it is right to be?". We launched into a debate about my essential problem of having to draw a line, while she argued that it is fine to have ideas, but in real world you need to compromise between your ideas and practices.

Posting the following article because it tries of address the same problem who is actually a feminist and what it entails to be one. I found it quiet interesting, read and please let me know what you think.

An online war has broken out in the women's movement sparked by the Jezebels, young bloggers who flaunt their hard drinking and unashamed promiscuity and who are infuriating traditional feminists. Amelia Hill and Eva Wiseman report
Sunday 17 May 2009 http://www.guardian .co.uk/world/ 2009/may/ 17/feminism- america-sex- promiscuity- drinking

It seemed like a coup for feminism when Slate, an online magazine, launched a new, women-focused website, Double X, last month. Declaring its dedication to "tackling subjects high and low" in voices that were "unabashedly intellectual without being dry or condescending" , Double X burst on to the blogosphere, seemingly ready to tackle the knotty question of what it means - and takes - to be a fully liberated woman today.

Except that, instead of squaring up to the sexual politics of the outside world, the site chose to fight its first battle with one of its own, accusing Jezebel - one of America's biggest and liveliest websites for women - of damaging women, degrading its own writers and betraying the quest for true sexual equality.

Jezebel is a tabloid-style website dedicated to "Celebrity, sex, fashion for women - without airbrushing" . Based in the US , it has almost 900,000 readers across the world. Its writers lead divided lives: landing some hard-hitting feminist punches - such as raising funds for the victims of "honour" killings in Basra - while at the same time writing salaciously and candidly about their choice to live lives of unashamed promiscuity.

It was in response to one of these articles that Double X lit the fuse that has set the online global community alight. Under the heading "The trouble with Jezebel: how Jezebel is hurting women", it accused its rival of mistaking self-indulgence for acting in pursuit of a political goal.
Double X columnist Linda Hirshman, also a contributor to the New York Times and the Washington Post, referred to an hour-long television appearance by Tracie Egan, a Jezebel blogger who goes by the moniker "Slut Machine", and Maureen "Moe" Tkacik, in which the two young women refused to engage with a serious discussion about sexual politics and culture. Shrugging off a question about rape and sexual responsibility, Tkacik casually explained why she didn't report her own date rape to the police. "I had better things to do," she said. "Like drinking more."

After the programme, presenter Lizz Winstead explained how shocked she had been by the behaviour of the young women. Writing on her Huffington Post blog, Winstead said: "They do not understand the influence they have over the women who read them, nor do they accept any responsibility as role models for young women who are coming of age searching for lifestyles to emulate."

In last week's article for Double X, Hirshman singled out Egan and Tkacik as "a symptom of the weaknesses in the model of perfect egalitarian sexual freedom". The Jezebel website, she argued, is guilty of promoting the belief that modern-day feminism is simply "doing what feels good to you". In doing so, it uses the language of old-style feminism to betray the movement's ideals.

Hirshman, author of Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World, added: "It's the supposed concern with feminism that makes the site so problematic. The Jezebels are ... a living demonstration of the chaotic possibilities the movement always contained." The writer said that she found the attitudes particularly surprising because they "look a lot like the natural heirs of feminism: young, college-educated, urban (mostly New York ), single, hard-working, sexually liberated".

Her accusations have reverberated around the global online community. The Jezebel website has responded with "Who are you calling a bad feminist?", in which Hirshman is decried as creating a "victim-shaming diatribe" and for promoting a feminist philosophy that is deeply sexist. "I have seen misogyny and, most of the time, it looks a lot like the ideology Hirshman has the audacity to call 'feminism'," the article stated.

The argument has become so furious that others have stepped in, with all guns blazing. Speaking to the Observer, Naomi Wolf, author of Give Me Liberty: A Handbook for American Revolutionaries, agrees with Hirshman. "Third-wave feminism is pluralistic, strives to be multi-ethnic, is pro-sex and tolerant of other women's choices," she said. "It has led to an embrace of what was once so politically suspect - the notion that you can be a 'lipstick lesbian' or a 'riot grrrl' [referring to a feminist punk movement that emerged in the 90s] if you want to be, that you can choose your persona and your freedom for yourself.

"But that very individualism, which has been great for feminism's rebranding, is also its weakness: it can be fun and frisky, but too often it's ahistorical and apolitical. As many older feminists justly point out, the world isn't going to change because a lot of young women feel confident and personally empowered, if they don't have grassroots groups or lobbies to advance woman-friendly policies, help break through the glass ceiling, develop decent work-family support structures or solidify real political clout.

"But feminists are in danger if we don't know our history, and a saucy tattoo and a condom do not a revolution make," she added. "The fact is, we know the answers to western women's problems: the way is mapped out, the time for theory is pretty much over. We know the laws and the policies we need to achieve full equality. What we lack is a grassroots movement that will drive the political will. 'Lipstick' or lifestyle feminism won't produce that movement alone."
Julie Bindel, a feminist campaigner and journalist, admitted being infuriated by women like Egan and Tkacik. "Feminism is not the freedom to act like a dickhead," she said. "These women are individualists, not feminists. They are lazy, bone-idle women who have no interest taking part in a political movement for change but are trying to get credibility for their selfish lives by playing identification politics. You can't claim to be a feminist simply because you're a woman."
Sandrine Levêque, campaigns manager at Object, the human rights organisation which challenges the sexual objectification of women in popular culture, agreed. "It's almost like what was seen as sexist 20 years ago has been repackaged as empowerment and liberation for women in the 21st century," she said. "It is difficult to make choices in today's pornified culture which bombards us with the message that raunch culture is where it's at for women in 2009."
Younger feminists, however, are more inclined to be critical of Hirshman. "When it comes to Double X, I think we're just left with questions - is it feminist, or is it not feminist? Why did it host a story blaming another woman for not reporting being raped? What is promiscuity? What does that mean? To me, it speaks of trying to slut-shame women who are having consensual sex as and when they want it," said Jess McCabe, editor of the F Word, a British website that describes itself as feminist.

"There is no such thing as a bad feminist. Feminism is a social justice movement, it is not about chiding other women, or establishing yet another set of standards for women to be judged against. We all mess up - we've all been raised in a sexist, racist, transphobic, heteronormative society, and guess what, that affects our behaviour. We all also differ in terms of what feminism means to us."

Ellie Levenson, author of the forthcoming book The Noughtie Girl's Guide to Feminism, is also critical of Hirshman's definition of "good" and "bad" feminism. "A lot of the criticism against Jezebel is against women being open about their sexual antics," she said. "Feminism is about women choosing how to behave and having the same rights and freedoms to behave badly as men do, so in order to make these choices we need to be able to read about women who have made all kinds of choices."

The main problem with feminism today, added Levenson, is that it has become a word that people don't want to be associated with. "But when you start asking them whether they believe in equal rights for men and women they say, yes, absolutely. So it is the word and not the concept that is the problem."

McCabe agreed. Feminism today may be characterised by infighting and factionalism, she said, but the movement is very definitely alive and fiercely kicking. "Just look at the number of feminist groups launching up and down the UK , from the Million Women Rise march in London , from the resurgency of reclaim-the- night marches, from the growth of feminist blogs," she said.
"The tide is slowly growing, and it is badly needed," she added. "Things like the rape conviction rate being so pathetic it is almost non-existent, women's services facing closure and the pay gap actually increasing - there is more of a need for feminist activism than ever."

Drifting afternoons...

Around this time of the year Kolkata has the best afternoons and it is lovely to watch the afternoons turning into evenings slowly. In the winters the process is too abrupht and short while in the summer it is too hot. Only this time round the process is slow and enjoyable. Today I was watching the afternoon drift from one of the windows in my office. The breeze felt really nice up where I was standing. Just next building is the campus of Ballygunj Science College, so there are trees everywhere. Down below you see students, sometimes in gangs, sometimes in twosome and sometimes alone trudging along with their big bags and books in hand. Watching the students pass reminds me of my student days. Incidentally I used to walk down this road to my school. How long away they seem. In my mind's eye I can see myself trottering along just the same way these kids, worrying about an exam or chatting with friends. Going to school was always a rushed thing, not so returning. Usually Sambaran and me, we used to walk down together. Ah for those days of innocence.

Coming back to this time of the year, I am not surprised that St Valentine chose to celebrate lovers' day now. I know it is dreadfully cold and snowing in some countries but in places like Kolkata the weather is just ready for romance and there seems to be a little love scattered in the air. It is like love is blowing gently in the wind, you just have to reach out and then you can touch it. But be careful, love wont come to you if you are a cynic or non believer. Just have faith in the goodness of life dear friend and hang in there, love sooner or later touches and heals all.

Moved....

Just when I was settling in my new job and trying to fit in and get to know people, my desk got moved. Before this I was sharing the room with two other people and though a little noisy, it was a fun place. We used to have these impromptu chat breaks. Now I have been shifted to this new room, which is tucked between two rooms and I am quiet alone in this room. The other desk is lying empty waiting for a new recruitment to fill it. I do not like this new place of mine. It is tucked away in one corner and quiet lonely.

Another thing to crib about. This sure is turning out to be a super bad new year!

Random Quotes

If u cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work 'n' sit at the gate of the temple & take alms of those who work with joy" - from The Prophet written by Khalil Gibran

How I wish I could do just this.

Hopelessly clueless...

Are we the so called modern women who grew up focusing on getting an education and building a career, become out of touch with reality that is society? I remember when other mothers were urging their daughters to beautify themselves, my mother would be urging me to study more. When other mothers would be getting hyper about their daughters not getting married, my mnother would get hyper because me, her daughter is not finishing her Ph.D. Most of my girl friends had similar kinds of mothers. Grew up in such an environment, blessed with liberal and understanding parents who never limited my sky or my ability to reach out for that sky. I dont ever remember any discrimination between my brother and me. Along the way I started to believe that this is how the whole world is. Everyone in it is like my parents, they encourage women to be self sufficient, to have careers. In the long run never learnt some of the traditional skills which are important tools of womanhood in our culture. One stray example. Never could sing, tried learning once or twice, then gave up. My parents did not force me irrespective of that fact that everyone in my family is a superb singer. Never ever in my life did I feel the need to sing. I mean somewhere deep inside me I wish I can sing. But it is not a major regret that I cannot nor has my life stopped because of it. My definition of my self does not have a singing component.

Suddenly I meet people for whom traditional skills are way too important. They want to fit me to the box that is traditionally meant for Indian women. I was never kept in that box and all my life I have grown further and further away from it. I do not want to go to it, dont want the restrictions and the impositions. If in the process I lack some skills so be it, but in exchange I am a survivor and a fighter. My open space and my freedom is way too dear to me. Am I being naive or do these people need an update about the changing times?

Why is it always the onus of the woman to change? Why?

* This picture is a result of google search.

The happy ending is you...

True, this week due to Republic day falling on a Monday there was no Monday blue. But sadly the Tuesday has turned out to be blue-er. It is a blue, blue Tuesday. Initially it was acqua marine blue, but soon the vividness, which was anyways blinding me, dimmed and slowly it is turning to prusian blue. I could stare for hours at this blue and not get any work done. But alas!

Latelty I have been feeling rather down and lonely, my life is going all on her own direction. Sometimes I get perturbed that life does not even bother to consult me. She just merrily goes her way dragging me along with her. At times I get angry. Hey it is my life, do I not get the chance to have an opinion? Most times I do, sometimes external forces dominate, sometimes life is just bizzare, does her own thing. And at times when I have been feeling blue for sometime, I just let go. I become a passive observer and watch from the sidelines. It is like all the things that are happening to me are not actually happening to me. I am not in my body, in me anymore. I am just a spirit, hovering over me and silently watching the journey. I dont know if I am able to make you understand what I am talking about.

I was aimlessly flicking through blogs when I came across a post with this title "the happy ending is you". Is it really true? Could the happy ending be really me? Do we actualy have that kind of power over our own lives? How do we stop people from being rude to us? Or for that matter how do we stop feeling neglected? I know you are going to talk about positive energy and positive thoughts and all those Feng Shui and self-help guru stuff. At times the spirit does not want to strive towards the light, does not want positivity and false hopes, all it wants is to sink in the prusian blue, which is steadily turning into a dark dark blue with endless pit and just get lost.

Aantaheen....

''City life is millions of people being lonesome together''~~ Henry David Thoreau

Went to see the new Bangla movie Aantaheen....which means endless. It is in a sense an endless movie...the waiting seems to be going on. After a long time in Praiya cinema hall, could not get ticket for the afternoon show and had to go back in the evening, and then had to queue up. It seems to be a hit movie, good for Bangla movie industry. It deserves a break and some crowd to motivate the movie makers.

This movie is all about urban loneliness, it shows individuals who are all busy and how in their rush to live life, never get the chance to be with their loved ones, or even if they get the chance mountains of accumulated pain does not let them breach the gap. The movie is very well made, a visual treat and the music is superb. Suddenly the end disturbs you and you cannot come away unaffected. The movie makes you realise what you are upto in your own life. Are you lonely, if so why? It is a big question and the answer is not always very comfortable. The movie wants to make you reach out and tell everyone around you that they do matter, that you do care even if you do not show or talk about it.

Scenes like eating dinner alone, spending time on chat abound. Suddenly you feel, hey I do that too. Then you feel but for me it is different. Then you wonder how is it different when you eat alone or when you prefer talking to a stranger on the chat or spend time on the internet when you could be spending time with your loved ones? Suddenly there is no answer. Suddenly your computer, the great friend becomes the chief accomplice of your loneliness. In today's world do we take refuge in our computers? Have computers or rather internet become an escape for most of us? This movie is all about taking our life for granted, when what we do not realise is that none of us have infinite time-- time and oppurtunities are finite and needed to be made use of.

I would reccomend watching the movie. I loved it, though I am not sure that I would go back and watch it again.

Take your chance baby!

How often are we ready in life to let go of our comfrot zones?

I was talking to a friend who has landed a great job and she is super excited about it, yet a little apprehensive too. She had been in her old job for sometime and this was a known field for her. She is a little worried about leaving behind her comfort zone and plunging headlong to the unknown.

While adivicing her I realised that if such a situation ever arose in my life I would be reacting exactly the same way. I have always moved towards the unknown, willingly faced fresher challenges, yet a part of me always feels uncertain. I always wanted to leave home and make it on my own when I was young. Yet when the time came I just wished even though very briefly that it was not yet the time.

Lately a friend does not know what is happening in her love life-- the guy is there yet not there. She was discussing the pros and the cons of having him and not having him in her life. When you have hit the 30s and have had not so good experiences a certain cynicism sets in. It is difficult to let go of it. Even after having someone as steady as Indranil in my life I often get into its grips. So I can understand very well what this friend is going through. But somewhere you have to take your chance. Was watching Life in a Metro yet again yesterday evening and this is exactly what Monty (Irfaan Khan) tells Shruti (Konkona Sen Sarma) "take your chance baby"!

Headless chicken...

Ok this missive is totally Smriti insired. I was about to go to bed when Smriti suddenly popped into my Gtalk and paid me lavishing compliments about my blog and disappeared. Now I am too much of a blogger to let go of such golden motivation. So at 12.40 on a Thrusday night when I should be in bed saying good night to Indranil, I am up blogging. Oh well it is Friday tomorrow and then I get two whole days off. So that is cause enough for celebration.

Ha to start on the topic I want to talk about today. Many men I meet, educated, non chavunistic and sensitive, seem to think that women are headless chickens! Headless as in brainless. Chicken is my addition. But seriously I get rather perturbed when men say such things. And these are non vindictive men. They seem pretty frustrated by these brainless women they encounter. My friend thinks Indian women are primarily conditioned not to think. Our European sisters are aparently smarter and much more headmore (oh well for a headless, headmore is the opposite of headless!).

Painful jokes apart, what do you women think? I know we Indian women had it really bad and for ages all our self confidence had been systematically eroded away and we were socialised into not thinking about ourselves. But surely the times has changed, out there surely there are loads of Indian women who are emancipated and love themselves first and dont take shit. All my women friends are thinking beings and know what they want out of life, though they have been forced to take shit at times. But I know here I am essentially talking about a very niche group, very urban, well educated and from progressive families. But what about those women who are not fortunate enough to belong to this group? I know in my kind of work I encounter all kinds of women, but I always prefered to think that what these women face are exception rather than normal. But honestly in India exploitation of women is an unending story. Now a days SouthAsia TV have started showing Bhawandar again-- the docudrama on expploitation of women which used to be shown on Indian television long time back. Watching that makes me face a lot of uncomfortable questions and as a not so helpless woman feel rather enraged.

But essentially men do not talk about these women, they refer to women who have had oppurtunities in their lives and in spite of them still continue not having ownership of their own lives. I too have met many such women and they frustrate me too. So what actually makes a woman self confident and capable of living her life independently, rather than as beautiful creepers? Is it something that is gene specific or socialisation or culture specific????
Not meant to offend anyone. Just want to know your views.

Blog Hooked...

Some days I feel blog hooked. Today is the day.

It is a bit of feeling like you want to cling onto your parents forever and dont want to grow up...if you cling long enough, or smell in your mother's sweet smell, you will not grow up...
It is a bit of feeling like you want to hold onto your beloved forever...just hold him...if you move, or slacken your hold, he may vanish, or worse you may wake up and realise he was a dream...oh is he?
Similarly some days you just write and write and write. It is as if you dont write, unpleasant thoughts wont come clamouring to you...the world would not be a happy place...no no...dont pause, just type on...breathe but dont let the oxygen reach your thought inducing grey cells...let words fill that empty space inside you...let thoughts erase the confusion, let ideas balm your soul...who needs chicken soup? writing therapy suits me fine...at least till I write...but the moment I stop...they all come knocking, it doesnt take them time to break through barriers...they march in and demand ransom which is too high...I cannot sit in office and brood...why is worry such a demanding emotion? why cant i put him in some corner and let him fizzile out? Nah that would make life way too easier....