Growing up....

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway,
traveled by many, remembered by few.
Looking for something that I can believe in,
looking for something that I'd like to do with my life.
There's nothing behind me and nothing that ties me to
something that might have been true yesterday.
Tomorrow is open and right now it seems to be more than enough
To just be here today, and I don't know what the future is holding in store,
I don't know where I'm going, I'm not sure where I've been.
There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me,my life is worth the living,
I don't need to see the end.


For the first time you are down and out. Probably the first time in your life you are shattered. You know what pain is all about. Gut wrenching pain that follows when you realise that what was, is no more. You know that there just isn't any hope. Initially you begin by being very angry, you throw tantrums, believing arrogantly that your tantrums would bring it all back. Soon the hard way you realise that your tantrums are falling on deaf ears. No one is listening, no one cares. After days/ weeks/months/years of being angry, a helplessness comes. This helplessness is accompanied by a desperation. A desperation to get it back, to try one last time. To see if the magic is still there. Still somewhere you cling onto the belief of the magic....you tell yourself that the magic is too precious to be given to you, just so that it could be snatched away again so soon. But alas....your muddled attempts do not bring it back. Instead what it does is show in clear black letters that it is time for a closure. Some more resistance happens from your side. You cling onto stale memories for dear life. You are almost afraid to let go. Letting go is giving up on a way of life, giving up means beginning to stop loving. You dilly and you dally, till one day you can no longer delay any longer.

The first step is the most terrifying, but once you have taken the first tentative step it becomes better. Suddenly one day you wake up to realise that you have forgotten some vital piece of your past. Oh what joy that brings. You feel liberated. And then there would be those lonely days and everlasting lonelier nights. While the rest of the worls blissfully snores away, you are unable to sleep. While the clock hands move at excruciatingly slow pace, the seconds hand ticks on and the minutes hand refuses to move. You cry and cry, at some point tears dry up, but still you don't feel any better.

You think....
Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer ( you wrote close)
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don`t know what to do
The memory of love will see you through
Oh, love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don`t know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain (you wrote - change)
Like a fire when it`s cold outside
Or thunder when it rains.......

Somehow the night passes and you fall asleep when the first crows wake and start their morning cry. The next days go better. Till you dream a dream which brings everything crashing back. You watch a movie and suddenly a memory hurts you with so much intensity that you double up in pain. The dangerous thing is that it could be anything- a movie, a song, a book, a stamp, a stranger on the road, the ringing of the telephone, chance meeting with an old friend, an old pen or a note......memories are cruel with sharp tentacles which pierce at the most vulnerable. In your vulnerability you start imagining that thing are once again going to be ok. You imagine that someone is singing....

Lady, are you crying,
do the tears belong to me
Did you think our time together was all gone
Lady, you've been dreaming,
I'm as close as I can be
And I swear to you our time has just begun

Close your eyes and rest your weary mind
I promise I will stay right here beside you
Today our lives were joined, became entwined
I wish that you could know how much I love you
Lady, are you happy, do you feel the way I do
Are there meanings that you've never seen before
Lady, my sweet lady,
I just can't believe it's true
And it's like I've never, ever loved before

You start making stories and excuses in your head as to why he is not with you, how much he loves yu but inspite of that how he has to be away. But like all dreams and delusions, this also comes to an end to be replaced by the bitter reality. You start asking yourself....

Is it love?
When your heart, feels like it’s broken
Is it love?
And you just can’t take anymore
Is it love?
When the good times have all been forgotten
Is it love?
And you fear there won’t be anymore
Is it love? ooh ooh
There’s no answer, there seems to be nothing to say
In your anger would you even hear anyway
It was magic but somehow you’ve broken the spell
It was heaven and somehow it’s turned into hell
Is it love?
When you know that your heart has been broken
Is it love?
And you just can’t take it anymore
Is it love?
When you feel more than you could imagine
Is it love?
Now there’s nothing that’s worth living for
Is it love?

You realise that this cannot be love. If love was there at some time in the past, it is no longer there. You see people all around you happy, moved on, onto new loves, new lives, new dreams. One day you wake up to find yourself cold and lonely and no one to care whether you are dead or alive. Suddenly living with a bunch of old faded memories becomes too suffocating. Suddenly you no longer want to be a character out of a Dickinson novel, you want a life, you want to love and live, to breathe in the fresh air, to feel the spring in your soul, to stop crying, to laugh out aloud, to smile at strangers, to find little babies cute and to check out the nice young man walking by. It feels so good, it is like being alive after a long long time. It is spring indeed.

You have lived through and survived.....and you know....

This is what its like falling out of love
This is the way you lose your very best friend
This is how it feels when its all over
This is just the way true love ends

First of all theres no one to talk to
When there is they just dont seem to hear
Words dont seem to matter much anyway
They cant describe the pain
They cant explain the fear
Then the nights grow cold and hard to live through
Still you hate to see the morning come
Somehow tomorrow doesnt matter much anymore
The future holds no promise
Your lifes already done

The you find your heart no longer flutters
You no longer look through a lovers eyes
Whats to see when the world falls down around you
You simply cant believe it
But it comes as no surprise

Whats the sense of failure
Its such an incredible loss
Its all the things youll never do
And all the dreams that will never come true

This is what its like falling out of love
This is the way you lose your very best friend
This is how it feels when its all over
This is just the way true love ends
Oh this is just the way a true love ends
I dont believe a true love ever ends

Suddenly you are no longer 23. You are all grown up with a head of 40 and it feels marvelous to have coped with the loss and come out smiling and wise.

Inspired by John Denver's songs.